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The moonlight peeks through the clouds floating across the starless night sky. The brightly lit skyscrapers are piercing the low cloud cover creating two different realities, a serene and quiet level above with a busy and hustling city below. The night is young and there are many opportunities for chaos, yet equally, there is hope that tonight could be a night where there are neither the echoes of past traumas nor the penetrating anxiety of what may or may not come to pass. As the streetlights outside the house find a way through the blackout curtains hanging on the window, it pulls my attention to the wall clock hanging directly opposite of the bed. It’s been a few hours since sunset and I have been glued to my seat lost in thoughts of the past and future.
The inertia to move is real, it’s been a demanding week but that isn’t a reason to stop. My duty requires self-sacrifice yet each day taxes the mind with darker thoughts and the body with more damage than yesterday. Why is it that I move? For the love of others, of course. It feels safe when they feel safe. Perhaps, I only trust myself to help others because they seem incapable of helping themselves. Every story needs a hero, and I am exactly that, in their story and my own. My will to fight is admirable, is it not? Resilience is forged in the pits of anguish so I must withstand everything unaided for being a liability to others is weak. More importantly, would they even understand? It’s not about freedom, it’s about achieving greatness, a life of meaning and purpose. Go on, I must. “Time to suit up”, I declare to myself.
The basement is humid, dark and windowless. The steel staircase is cold and wet from condensed vapor and the smell of mold is overpowering. Still there is a peculiar feeling of peace here, away from the noise of the city. If one chose to stay here, the outside world wouldn’t notice. It’s pointless then, isn’t it? All the effort that comes along with duty and responsibility. In fact, there is distinct pleasure that comes along with chaos that seems natural to the fruitless resistance by the imposed rules of man. The thirst for freedom has not yet been quenched. I want more and I want it all. After everything I’ve been through, I deserve all the happiness in the world, and it doesn’t matter who gets less of it as long as I get my fair share. I’m taking my power back, yes. The drive flowing through me is the energy of freedom. “More, give me more”, I sway myself.
On some nights, I find myself in either of these loops and sometimes both in one solitary evening. Regardless of which one was on auto-play at night, I’d be exhausted in the morning. Perhaps, you can contemplate a few of your own loops. In the past, I’ve used the Batman vs Joker analogy to describe these loops to myself. I am the self-sacrificing hero in this story and, oh boy, it feels gratifying. “I am Batman”, is what I constantly told myself. Sometimes in jest and perhaps, at times, it was my stock operating system. Over time, I don’t exactly remember how and when, a shift occurred. I no longer saw myself as the hero of the story. I found myself drawn to the narrative of The Joker. I’m reminded of the famous line, “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a villain”. It’s not that big of a shift as it seems at first glance. Both perspectives are rooted in self-absorbed beliefs. Neither did self-sacrifice lead to the validation I hoped it would and nor did the self-interested behaviors provide the gratification I thought they would.
The more I learn about both, the outer and inner worlds, I am continually humbled by my ignorance. At the same time, I am excited to learn more. Growing up in an Eastern culture but living in Western society feels like you are constantly oscillating between two different extremes. For me, it feels like a clash of collectivism vs individualism. Full disclosure, it has confused the heck out of me, and I hadn’t been able to figure out why that was the case for quite some time. I’m learning that our mind creates identities based on our values. At the same time, these values help us formulate how we view ourselves. Seems to me that our values must have their origins from a calm heart. Foundations built upon values of an anxious heart are are pillars built of glass. Complications can obliterate these pillars, and we are left picking up the shards.
Maybe the answer to happiness doesn’t lie in the extremes of self-sacrifice or self-interest. Perhaps a meaningful life isn’t present in either poles of collectivism or individualism. To me, the initial step seems to be building the awareness of a calm heart that can help identify values rooted in love and compassion for ourselves and others. This will help us build a life balanced with meaning and happiness. Belief and mindfulness won’t do it alone, we must practice it. I’m not worried though, I believe we can do it.
Have a great weekend!