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Let’s get right into it. So, tell me, have you ever been seduced by despair? In a world that seems so unrelentingly cruel and unfair, one could forgive themselves to give into the power of these emotions. So, tell me, have you sat at the full depth of your darkness? Whether it’s because you’ve lost a loved one or seen death come for you but take a raincheck at the last moment, it feels like you’ll never see the light again. Think about it, have you wished for an end to the pain by any means necessary? No one told us that being “conscious” could hurt this much. But wait, there is another side to it, you know.
So, tell me, have you laughed so hard that you could hardly breathe? It’s moments like these with your favorite people that give you hope. So, tell me, have you felt so much love for someone that leaving them even temporarily feels like it’s a permanent loss? My parents and I had a rocky relationship growing up but every time I leave their presence; it’s like the little boy in me is worried I’ll never see them again. Then there are the days that I feel unstoppable and can take on anything life throws at me. Who knew we had such immeasurable potential?
I guess we can say that our conscious is as much a curse as it is a blessing. Ignorance is bliss, isn’t that what they say? (who is they?) You see, for a long time, I’ve been great at intellectualizing my thoughts and feelings. I was so sure that I could think my way through anything I was experiencing but at every major redirection in life, my philosophy was put to the ultimate test. I can tell you that it unequivocally failed. In days gone by, it would be at this moment that I would glorify my self-critical nature and force myself to power through. But does it matter if you power through when your frustration bleeds into everyday life perverting the experience of life itself?
I was a sucker for logical thinking, a consequence of an uncertain childhood to an extent. Logic was the coping mechanism that could never falter (ah, never say never). It also didn’t matter how many books I read, how many podcasts I listened to or how many times I went to therapy. All that can be done and yet you can still feel that there’s something missing. Emotions aren’t solely a psychological experience but what I’m learning is they are also a physiological experience. That’s why when I feel sad, I’ll get a lump in my throat. When I feel angry, my entire body will feel like it’s on fire. It happens with “positive” emotions too like when I feel joy, there’s an expansion in my lungs like I’ve taken a deep breath or when I’m excited, the hair on my neck will stand. These are subjective experiences so the way your emotions manifest physiologically might be different than how mine do.
What surprised me is that how easy it was for me to lie to myself that I was “doing the work” when all I was really doing is searching for a solution. I bet if you did a brain scan that the left side of my brain would be lit up! Feeling “negative” emotions, if there is such a thing, was so uncomfortable that my instinctive reaction was to control the external environment to subdue the intensity of these emotions. Spoiler alert, control is just another suppression tactic. It’s like plugging a hole in the dam. Sooner or later, the dam will burst, and we’re left picking up the pieces of trying to find who we are again.
Looking back, the reality is that I didn’t afford the grace that I did to others to myself. You get to feel what you feel, so do I. I’m learning how to sit in stillness and let these strong emotions pass through me. Just because I feel a certain way doesn’t mean that is the truth of my reality. This isn’t easy to do and by no means am I perfect in doing this so don’t take this as me being preachy, I’m just sharing my experience. It takes work, a lot of it. It takes courage to sit in the discomfort of feeling unworthy and unlovable and knowing that neither of those self-limiting beliefs are true.
Empathy for others is important but what about empathy for ourselves? Sometimes it feels like the hyper-productivity culture is crushing our souls because it doesn’t allow us to rest. Yet doesn’t it seem like the universe is constantly on the move but resting at the same time? There is wisdom in acknowledging our lack of control and surrendering to the flow of the universe. Emotions are a part of our inner universe so I reckon we must do the same, letting them flow. Why fight nature? I encourage you to try it, allow yourself to feel just as you’d allow the universe’s grand design to unfold. It’s like Rumi said, "Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself".
I’ll be honest, this is not what I had planned on writing about today but when I started the words just kind flowed onto the page. What I know is that anyone can be carrying some sort of heaviness in them while simultaneously plastering a beautiful smile on their face. We can’t expect others to be there for us all the time so we must learn to self-soothe. So, I’d like to remind you that these feelings aren’t bad or good, they just are. We’re being spoken to about something we don’t consciously recognize. Respect them but know that our identity isn’t based on these feelings. After all, we are not our emotions but the observer.